Awakening Internal

Personal growth through the eyes of love


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Transformation Tuesday…Transformation Life

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My before picture was taken in my parents kitchen in October 2002 and it stirs so much emotion in my core. A stay at home mother of 4, a wife of almost 7 years, a sister to 2, an aunt to many and more friends than I could count. I was VERY involved in the school my oldest two children were attending, church and religion; wrapped up in the legalities of religion and working nearly full time, volunteering on just about every committee at church, plus doing a weekly, intense bible study that involved an hour or more of study/homework daily! Oh, and did I mention that I’m very OCD over my house and IT.WAS.IMMACULATE. My youngest two children were dressed in boutique attire, my oldest two were involved in sports every season, music lessons, school…..YOU NAME IT! WHEW! I’m tired just thinking about it!!!

Why does my before picture stir so much emotion? Because when I look at my picture, and I will never forget, how deeply I was hurting, how worthless I thought I was, how desperately I wanted to be loved and how desperately I wanted to love and how much I HATED myself. NOW, on the “love front”, I have to give a very insightful disclaimer: Even if I had someone in my life, at the time, that loved me completely, respected me, cherished me and saw my value, I could not have handled it at all because I thought I was worthless and would have never believed in a million years that I would have deserved such a blessing. So, at that time, I had what I felt I deserved.

You might be looking at my before and after picture wondering, HOW did she make such a physical change? Well, it was a process…first physical, then internal, then BOTH. You see, inside my 258 pound body, was ME! I was hiding, building a physical wall around me. This wall was built to protect me from more pain, it ALWAYS gave me great ways to judge and punish myself and make great excuses for when I was rejected or cheated on ( “I don’t blame him for cheating…LOOK AT ME!!!” “I wouldn’t want to have sex with me either, I’m disgusting!!!” and the horrible dialogue went on and on…). In November 2002, I reached out to a doctor to have weight loss surgery (out of serious desperation!!) and in my mind, this was going to solve all of my problems. I had gastric bypass January 31, 2003 and 10 1/2 months later, I was a very healthy weight and wearing my goal size…..yay!!!!!!!! Transformation complete, right??!! My life was NOW perfect, right???!! This solved all of my problems, right??!! Not hardly, the only two things in my life that changed was 1- I couldn’t really use food as a vice anymore and 2- My dress size. My weight loss provided more energy for me to do even more…which kept me busy enough to not have to think..which was the subconscious goal!! I was still being rejected, I STILL wasn’t “enough” to keep his attention and I still thought I was a worthless piece of trash. In September 2004, my marriage came to a point of crisis and we started marriage counseling and then I started one on one counseling…this started my internal changes. My marriage survived another 8-9 years (by the skin of its teeth!), and over that 9 years I dove head first into personal growth and healing. During this 8-9 years, Bikram Hot Yoga was the biggest part of my life for a year (2008) thanks to vanity and pride….seeking to seal the physical transformation, but received a much greater gift…major internal work, spiritual healing and love from a community of the most loving people…WHO KNEW I would gain so much from a great “workout”??!! Through connections, I was introduced to people that, unknowingly at the time, were guiding me on my path to the health/wellness industry.

NOW my life is perfect, right?? Well, yes and no. Yes, because I’m right where I’m supposed to be for a season but it is a challenging season, so it doesn’t “feel” perfect. As I have learned with all of my personal life experiences though, there are no mistakes and everything happens for a reason. There are clear perfections in my life and some of them are my children and my 7 month old granddaughter, check her out!! (what kind of Yaya would I be if I didn’t show her off?!)

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Another perfection in my life, is my relationship with my boyfriend. I am genuinely respected, genuinely cherished, he knows my value and he can see into the depth of my soul and loves me like no other. One of the beautiful aspects of this for me personally, is that because I learned to love myself, I can NOW handle the love that I was so desperate for, many years ago!

Do you have a transformation story to share? Does this article resonate with you and/or help you? I would love to hear from you in the comments section or if you would like to share privately, feel free to email me at michelledancy.healthcoach@gmail.com

Through The Eyes of Love,

Michelle Dancy, CHHC, AADP

Awakening Holistic Healthcare
http://awakening-internal.com

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A Growing Year

This, without a doubt, has been a “growing” (aka challenging) year for my children and me.
Here’s to name a few of our growth opportunities:
* The very unexpected death of my 41 year old sister on Christmas Eve
* Divorce
* Being cast into the role of not only being a single mother, but single-handedly raising a teenage girl and a teenage boy. Solo. Alone. Solo. Solo. Oh, and did I mention SOLO??
* My beautiful souls that I have been blessed to care for until they leave the nest, being reduced from having two active parents to one active parent.
* Financial “tightness” due to divorce
* My brave 15 year old daughter had to make the toughest decision this summer. She had to have the love of her life, Phoenix (her beautiful Paint Horse), put down due to eye cancer and another major health issue, both were causing her to suffer immense pain.
* At the beginning of this year, my young teenage son (13), went through a tough time with the transition of his relationship with his father. He was engulfed in anger, acted out and I was worried I would lose him!

Now to switch gears, let’s do a 180! For all of you that have been reading my blog and following me on social media, you know I always like to come back to the positive side of a situation. I thrive on being real, raw and showing how tough, hopeless and ugly “growing opportunities” are, but I love to come back and show you what I have learned, how I have grown and how I/we have arrived on the other side of a situation in tact; with the hopes of encouraging just one person!

Here’s a list of POSITIVE lessons learned:
* With the loss of my sister, I have learned to make peace with one of the most heartbreaking losses of my life. My Spirit has been expanded. I grieved without “stuffing it” and honored where I was at the moment. I grieved without apology.
* Divorce was a healthy move for my kids and me. We were caught up in the cycle of abuse and our home is now a safe haven, there is peace (most of the time ūüôā ) and there is laughter….LOTS of laughter and being silly!

Christian as “Cleevus”

* Parenting can be tough, as most of us know, in the best of circumstances. Solo parenting….SIGH! It is ideal for children to have both parents involved and engaged with them. It is ideal for children to know that they can depend on both parents and to have the security knowing that they can lean on both parents for support and comfort. Here’s the positive: The three of us have become even closer. We are a better family unit because of our dependence on each other. It has made us stronger individually and collectively. Life isn’t perfect and we certainly have our days (yesterday was one of “those days”), but we get through them and we love each other from the core of our beings. After all, LOVE is the answer, right??
* The financial tightness is what it is. Finances are a trigger for me to really stress, in fact I’m carrying around my 8 lb stress belly right now, as we speak! (okay 10 lbs!! I’m a woman, hard not to fudge! wink wink) It comes and goes and it’s okay. We are learning to not be quite so spoiled. I am learning to do things for myself that I didn’t know how to do before. Thanks to my amazing, perfect boyfriend, who taught me how….I actually put my lawn mower on a battery charger and jumped it ALL BY MYSELF!! I was so proud of myself…. I felt so empowered and I AM SO EMPOWERED! He even taught me about the choke thingy on the weed eater and blower…it blocks the air off from the carburetor (did I even spell that right??) so it will spark when you pull the string and start….I think that’s right?? I’m so right brain, so when he’s explaining things like this to me.. I just smile and think “wow! he’s so smart! and sexy….smart is so sexy…I love his eyes.. his voice.. that smile gets me every time.. he totally knows, this is going completely over my head”. ( I’m really not A.D.D.!!). Point being, I’m not just learning Soul expanding “lessons”, I’m learning day to day practical lessons too, that empower me!
* My daughter having to make the toughest decision of her life blew me away! When she came to me with her decision, that she wasn’t even asked to make, I was in awe. How can a 15 year old girl, look at her horse that she loves more than anything in this world and put her heartache to the side to determine that she loves her Phoenix too much to let her continue living a less than quality life. That her bad days were outweighing her good days. That her pain was too great. That Phoenix would be better off being put down, she was suffering. It moves me to tears. I learned strength, courage, selflessness, wisdom, discernment and bravery on a whole new level. I will forever pull from the courage I saw in my daughter, when faced with a fearful situation… I will never forget.

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* When my son was going through such a tough time, I was scared too death! I was afraid that he would lose himself in the anger that had engulfed him. I was diligent in not making him feel shameful for his anger and making sure that he FELT and EXPERIENCED the love I have for him, even when he was a “cactus” and not a “magnet”. Making sure that he felt understood, validated AND loved, loved, loved…no matter what! Well, you know what “they” say…it gets worse before it gets better and it did, but one day he woke up and it was behind him, just like that! He was on the other side of it, he had worked through it! He was himself again. RELIEF!!! I learned that everyone has their own, personal process and AGE doesn’t matter. My son needed the space, support and love to get him on the other side of this and what was going on in him really didn’t have anything to do with me or his sister. I learned resilience, perseverance, that it’s never too late, our actions do not define WHO we are. I already knew this truth, that our actions do not define who we are, but I actually got to see it on steroids. When he was on the other side of this hiccup in his life, he didn’t look back, he didn’t “beat himself up”, he’s moved on…life goes on! I saw him honor where he was, I saw a truly healthy soul navigating a very tough loss, I saw strength. In retrospect, it was beautiful!

I have so many wonderful blessings in my life; family, a nice home, good friends, dream career, I’m kinda crazy about these kids I have and I’m kinda liking the boyfriend too! I see on a daily basis how past experiences HAD to happen, in order for me to receive what and who I have now.

Now, on this beautiful, sunny afternoon, I’m going to close up shop, cut my grass AND put new string on the weed eater and weed eat like a BOSS!!

Do you have a story of a “growth opportunity”? Does this blog post resonate with you? I would love to hear from you in the comments section and feel free to share with anyone that needs the encouragement to just hang in there!

Through The Eyes of Love ‚ô•

Michelle Dancy, CHHC, AADP
Awakening Holistic Healthcare
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Red Tent Revival

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This is an awesome event that I was a part of this past fall and it’s life changing, I will be joining again on May 16th and in fact, I’m now an affiliate for this event because it completely lines up with my heart…empowering women to love their true, authentic selves.

I have something to share with you that’s incredibly real… incredibly raw… and it just might rock your world.

In fact, it’s something that WOMAN wants – but is afraid to ask for…

It’s luscious… and it’s LIVE.

It’s a free 5-day online festival that will REVIVE everything it means to be a woman…

>> It’s called the Red Tent Revival and it’s happening very soon. https://no122.infusionsoft.com/go/rtr2014all/awakening

It’s hosted by Kristin Sweeting Morelli and if you know Kristin… she’s known for breaking down barriers and empowering women… and for years, she’s very much wanted to bring to life an epic, totally unique, online experience, available women around the world!

This Red Tent Revival is a reflection of a journey to pleasure that has completely changed her life.

>> And now she wants to help you change yours in ways you can’t even imagine. https://no122.infusionsoft.com/go/rtr2014all/awakening

In the Red Tent you’ll learn the ancient secrets to reviving your pleasure and returning to your feminine truth… but it doesn’t stop there.

There’ll be dancing… lots of dancing.

There’ll be sisterhood…

And there’ll be a few unmentionables…

But mostly, there will be 5 days of unbridled fun!

You don’t want to miss it! I’m personally inviting you to join me, Kristin, and tens of thousands of women in the Red Tent Revival.

>> All you have to do is click here. https://no122.infusionsoft.com/go/rtr2014all/awakening

 
 
Through The Eyes of Love ,
 
 
Michelle Manning, CHHC, AADP
Awakening Holistic Healthcare
http://awakening-internal.com
 
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